Leaving the Wilderpack Behind

Letting go of the things we no longer need

Hey there… it’s a new week and time to start our journey on the backroads. 

I don’t know about you, but friend, there are moments I find myself operating in that familiar mode of survival. I mean, I know the crisis is over, and there is nothing I can do to change anything that happened. But my mind still tries to figure out how to protect my heart from any more trauma and damage from people I once trusted. I keep holding on to photos so I can remember what happiness with them looked like or I hold on to cards to remind myself that I was once part of that family. We refer to these as mementos. But honestly, aren’t they just items that kept us brave enough to live in the wilderness? 

Before I go any further, I think I need to take some time to establish wilderness. I was asked the other day what the wilderness meant to me. As in how do I define it. There is not one specific wilderness that I refer to because life has so many spaces that are like a wilderness, but not like the last one. 

The book of Exodus teaches us about 4 different wildernesses (is that a word?). They begin in Exodus 15 and go to Exodus 19. 

the Wilderness of Shur – the first wilderness after the exodus from Egypt. It was a wilderness of urgent and desperate needs since there was no water. This is a place of satisfying grace. 

the Wilderness of Sin – this was a wilderness of aching, daily need because there was no food. This is a place of sustaining grace. 

the Wilderness of Rephidim – this wilderness was trying. There was a need for water and food, but it was marred by war. It was a wilderness of compounding and multiple struggles. This is the place of sufficient grace. 

the Wilderness of Sinai – this was the wilderness where they waited. This was the wilderness of long, indefinite waiting at the bottom of Mount Sinai. It was a place where God would eventually fulfill the promise to dwell among His people. This is the place of sovereign grace. 

The wilderness, no matter which one, created some restlessness within us. There is grief that we experience in each wilderness we go through. The Israelites had left a life they knew in Egypt only to find that they were now dependent upon God. Something they had not learned while they were held in slavery. For me… leaving my Egypt meant leaving home. And that brought so much more baggage than I realized. 

So in the wilderness, I began to sift through this baggage… Friend, the things that were hidden still leave me astonished. As I mentioned before, there were the physical reminders that I could see. But when I began to unpack the emotional and mental baggage, that was when the wilderness became real. 

This post isn’t about which wilderness we are exiting. This is about the stuff we packed while we were there. We experienced a lot of things. We had to learn how to live when we were feeling like there was no way out. There were battles and struggles that we survived because we knew it had to be better. It was where we experienced trauma that left us wounded as we navigated our way to freedom. Every experience led us to pack something. 

I call it the wilderpack. 

It is a bag of stuff that can only survive the wilderness. Coping mechanisms that help us navigate responsibilities. Strategies meant to isolate us from danger. Broken tools that were repeatedly fixed so that they would hold up. And a faith that helped us believe there was something better, but it was attached to a mindset of performance. 

We don’t really know we have these things until we do. I mean, what qualifies as a coping mechanism or a strategy? Are these just terms that have become popular now? These are not easy to discover or discuss, but they need to be left in the damaged past of the wilderness, no matter which one we are moving out of. Let me say that sometimes, we need someone to help us unpack this mess of wilderpack. Don’t ever hesitate to ask God to lead you to the help you need. 

Learning to cope with abuse often results in being able to be alone. We choose alone because it’s safe. Or on the other spectrum, we become social to an extent. It often depends on the abuse. If it’s from people other than family, then more often than not, a person will lean toward being alone… that is where they feel the safest. For those who faced abuse in the home, maybe some of them choose to be in public places. Because honestly, most parents or siblings don’t abuse in public. 

When I started digging through this wilderpack… I had to stop and pullover. I knew this would take some time, and I knew it would require more than what I could do on my own. I was going to need grace and mercy. And these were things that were not in this old wilderpack that had found its way into the backseat. 

Some of the things in the bag were sticky and moldy. They were stinky and dried out. They were no longer able to be used. That begged the question… why did I haphazardly grab this bag that had been part of my dress code for so long? 

As I sat there and looked at the bag with all of its moldy mess attempting to escape into my sweet new space, I realized that I have the choice to stop it. I don’t have to have a reason to keep any of it. NONE.

It doesn’t matter why it was there or what it “saved” me from — there was no one requiring me to keep it. 

God did not ask that I bring this with me. He isn’t about the dead and stinky stuff. He is the one who wants to take it from us. He has never desired for us to remain stuck in the muck and carrying the moldy mess. He created us to be His daughters. We were loved and chosen before the light hit the earth. 

I know… I know… What if I end up in the wilderness again and I need these things? I get that it is scary, but it is also a real thought. Because if we do find ourselves in another wilderness, then we may not be prepared— at least that is what we think. I mean, these are the very things, though they may be sticky and stinky, that got us through a hard season of wandering. 

Ohhhh but… wait.. there’s more!

The truth is that those tools allowed us to navigate a wilderness without God. NOW, my friend, we have God who will provide everything we need. We don’t have to recycle any strategies or tactics because He already knows what is coming and He already knows how we will get through it. 

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” 
Isaiah 43:18-19 (ESV)

As we continue traveling the backroads, we can trust that no matter what lies around the curve, He will provide whatever tool we may need. 

Friend, what are you finding in your wilderpack that you need to leave behind? 

I get it… leaving something that has been part of you for so long is scary. But I give you permission to put it in that roadside trash can. You are not in the wilderness anymore!